Pain
by Ghost Writer no. 3
Summary: One-Shot.  References to information in Coded, but takes place sometime after Kingdom Heart II.  Kairi never though she would need to lie about her experiences or hide them, but there is one she keeps only to herselves...


This was inspired by Coded. While I have not had a chance to play it, a great friend of mine, Kiryn, has played it, beat it, and told me all about the lovely things about it (which it surprised me how lovely it did sound). This is dedication to her, my own Terra, who gave me the idea for it and betaing for me, because I really do suck that much.

And for our lovely crack babies. But they will appear later under her name. Oh, our babies will come and bring much crying joy.

This is in no way connected to any of my other works. This is…straight to the point and just built around a mix of canon information, interoperation, and just general random inspiration. I found an interesting fact and just wanted to write about it.

* * *

It was so easy to get back to everything. For her, at least. She had not missed the whole year that they head. And the time she was away, the world was equally. Of course, there was the time she was kidnapped by the Nobodies, but that was only weeks compared to a year.

Once, Sora asked her about that. Her abduction.

Kairi thought about the events and spoke as the detail came to here. She remembered Axel yanking on her arm, and twisting it a few times. He also threatened to burn and break her if she did not follow. But his hands only stayed uncomfortably warm and uncomfortably tight. She was more angry at him then fearful. No, she had not been fearful. Not really, not at him. Except being afraid of where they were going, simply because it was unknown. But she was not afraid of him. For one, she knew he wanted her alive. And more or less unharmed. If he really wanted to cause damage, he could have hurt those boys who tried to fight him off. But he merely sidestepped them and dragged her away. For another…

…He had been telling the truth. He was really missing someone, like she did. It was how the way he acted. That meant something. He had been honest. Thought she appreciated it more now that she knew the whole truth. She forgave him. Not totally yet. He, after all, could have been nicer.

Saïx had terrified her. She admitted that. Axel had tried to protect her from the new bout of strange, white creatures. That was the third point that made Kairi pardon Axel. But he got distracted and Saïx quickly scooped her up and tossed her away. Even though he did not hurt Kairi, he scared Kairi because she knew he did not give the slightly care of Kairi. That was terrifying.

She finished the events with saying she got back to Sora and Riku and everything was fine and smiled.

That answered satisfied Sora, though he did apologies for the mess, as always.

Again, she told him she wished they both would stop. The 'we' was to Sora and Roxas. It went to Riku, though he was not around today.

Sora blinked and looked a little sheepishly, but accepted the terms quietly and merely said that he wanted to make sure she was still okay.

Kairi smiled widen and said it was her job to do that, to make sure everything was okay.

She tried to be honest. In addition, she had been completely honest with Riku and Sora. Any question then asked, about the time, and she replied. But there was one big secret she kept from them, and she would never share it. Not that they would ever question on it unless it happened to them (which was impossible due to what she was), but if it ever came up somehow…Kairi would lie.

This was not one of Naminé's secrets. Oh, she was starting to learn of Naminé's secrets, not on purpose most of the time. But when two share a heart, certain things to come out. Not always intentionally.

Their minds were still separate, and in some regards, their bodies. It was more like their bodies shared the same space and could not be in the same place at the same time, but physically not the same (at some examples and experiments including Kairi being sick and Naminé not at all affected by the aliment and one time Naminé coming forth for a couple hours and developing a bad case of sunburn while Kairi's skin stayed the same freckled paleness it always held). But they shared a single heart so whatever Naminé felt, Kairi felt. And even if Naminé was created from her, Naminé was not her: She needed reassurance, she needed forgiveness and she needed someone to cry against.

Naminé was as much of a part of Kairi as herself, but she was equally a partner, a friend, a daughter.

Kairi, a natural nurturer, was more then happy to be there for herself and let Naminé cling to her strength. Kairi enjoyed bestowing the attention required, even though Kairi hardly needed such reassurance. But the girl appreciated that it was available for those rare moments. It was strange, yet very reassuring to know that they had each other constantly.

They were similar, but in many more ways opposite. Naminé made the comparison of a mirror: Look into it and the reflection is the same, but reverse. Kairi said it was the perfect analogy. Naminé said it was merely a correct simile. Outside of confidence, the main difference between the two sides was Kairi was much more intellectually inclined while Naminé had wisdom to her far beyond her one year of life and Kairi's own fifteen.

Kairi's own secret happened before Naminé's creation, anyways. In an universally comical way, it ended at Naminé's creation but Naminé had nothing to do with it. Naminé once compared it to childbirth, even though Naminé was not the cause.

Kairi found that compression tragic and beautiful.

Sora would never understand, not really. She was not referring to her and Naminé, because Sora had Roxas with him and understood that he felt the same way about his Nobody as Kairi felt about her own blonde half. And it was not a secret per say. Sure, Kairi could not go to her parents on the subject and ask them to love both halves of her, but Naminé's wrapped with other secrets of the universe. She was open about Naminé to those that knew and only if Naminé was comfortable. Naminé was never a problem

No, this was about Kairi's dark secret, then one she would never utter, even if asked directly.

She cared about Sora above her own care and this was nothing that Sora could ever fix, not with any amount of strength of his body, his heart, his soul. He could not fix this, not matter how much he gave. She would never put him through that. She was glad his questions focused more on the events after their Nobodies conception then before. Those she could answer honestly.

Riku, she knew, would understand. She could see it in his eyes sometimes. It was similar, but the cause was different. But, she knew she would not confine in to him, either. Especially him. Because she cared about him, too. In this matter, she took care more around him then Sora. If he knew about what she felt during that time, the time he fell to darkness slowly day by day while he was next to her, holding her, protecting her, watching out for her, and realizing the suffering that went on under his nose…it would break him again.

She did not blame him for all the happened. How could she? They will children back then, even though it had been only a few years ago. And Riku never wanted her heart gone. No, he simply wanted to know where her home was. Curiosity. That black creature tried to consume his being. The one that destroyed her home, both of them at different times. It was his and all his aspects that tried to make Sora a weapon. That was who was to blame and she did blame.

Riku had been the closest to ask about it, but not the right question. He had asked what she remembered during her coma.

She answered the best she could. She remembered mostly the darkness; everything sat in a haze. However, she was never asleep. She really could not see things, but she could feel things. She had seen his heart, and carefully added, seeing it grow darker and darker each and wished for someway to regain the strength to stop it and still mourned that she could not have rescued him better when she regained her strength after he felt into total blackness.

Riku's throat slightly quivered at the end, but choose to neither comfort her by saying she did her best or asking forgiveness on the matter of worrying her. He instead choose to inquire about the times she moved, the times Sora came close.

She hesitated just a moment, not out of fear, but to make sure she had her words organized. She had felt Sora's heart along side her own heart, beating and waiting to return to her. And the light of her heart gave her body small strengths to move and it gave her mind hope.

Riku was satisfied with the answer due to the nod of his head and a gentle pat on the top of her head, as he chose to stand while she sat at the edge of the dock. She turned and smiled up at him, remarking lightly that he still found her first, more then once. That caused his small smile to change into a satisfactory grin and a gentle sway of his head. He enjoyed the comment and she felt the same glee. They settled in a gentle silence and simply enjoyed at this moment to be alive and well.

The moment he turned away, gazing in the distance at some birds flying by, she allowed herself a displeasing frown to mare her face. Just one brief moment of weakness. Riku had brushed too close to her one big confidentiality.

She had not lied, but she skirted around certain aspects of the truth. The big truth. The secret she intended to take to her grave, if no other. What she had felt during the whole time.

Who knew loosing a heart could hurt so much?

She could not describe the pain. The pain was not a physical pain, like a cut or a scrape or a burn. She supposed it was like a person missing a limb. They left the ghost of feeling, left over even when one knew there was nothing. A dead connection from the brain to something no longer. But it was so much worst. It was like nails on a chalkboard. It was like the pinpricks of a sleeping foot. Like feeling pressure building behind the eardrums. Like skin pealing off after a bad sunburn. Like feeling strain after twisting an ankle hours before. Stiffness in the joints from a healed fracture. A discomfort without any physical discomfort. It ached without real hurt. She still remembered the ache and sometimes wished to claw through her own chest just to make sure her heart still beat.

She asked Naminé how she could survive without a heart if she felt that pain. Naminé had been shy, but commented quietly that Nobodies did not feel such a pain. Her and Roxas never felt it, and she could say with almost certainty other Nobodies did not feel a pain. An emptiness, but not a pain. Perhaps it was a matter of interpretation. They spent a good hour talking and beyond about if that emptiness was the same as the pain Kairi felt. The beyond included Naminé mixing their memories around, feeling what they felt. Or at least experience what each other experienced. After all, Sora received certain abilities from Roxas joining. Naminé might no longer be dominate, but she had some control over the heart, especially since it was she and Kairi's heart. They did not meld often because Naminé liked her privacy and Kairi respected Naminé's privacy. As her and Sora agree, Roxas and Naminé were people in their own right and deserved to have as many of those rights as they could.

They wait until dark, after her parents were asleep, before they tried the meld. They both realize this would be the deepest they will ever tried.

And they experienced.

They decided no. With a shared heart, they could sense the memories. Kairi was able to experience Naminé's emptiness and Kairi understood and all Nobodies had her sympathy. Everything felt monotone and the sensations were dull and what she could call as constant fatigue. Like swimming through murky water. At the same time, perception seemed sharper, like a too bright light. Perception became skewed and blurred and unnaturally. It was as equally as indescribable as Kairi's own lost heart.

But even Naminé agreed that it was different then the pain. Naminé was nice enough to end the other side of the experience the moment Kairi started to shake in their solace.

The moment she truly hated was thinking on the few moments she felt her heart close. When Sora had been near. Her body had moved so subtle, but inside she was franticly begging. Come back to where it belonged. If she could have, she would have cried out for that missing part of her to its home inside. When she suddenly awoken with her warmth beating under her ribcage and surrounded by a drake and a hound, Kairi thought she was dreaming. She realized later she was in a mix state of shock and elation. She had not known what she was, how she did, what to do. If Riku had not commanded her to run, Kairi would have stood there like a frighten child in fright of everything that was her coming back to together. It was as happy as it was confusing and scary. Shock. But the familiarity of Riku guiding her from childhood held true inside. When Riku said go, she went without much of a fight, still in a dream-like state. No, a waking-up state.

Was the pain a hunger, then?

She had once wondered if the ache was a type of need, one possibly associated with a Heartless and their need for hearts. The moment that she started to think that thought, Naminé had shown a burst of something like rage and venomously told Kairi to stop that warped thinking because Kairi was exactly the opposite of a Heartless, and Kairi should never think herself in those regards. Kairi had been stunned by the sudden burst of emotion by Naminé and only looked into herself with the equivalent of an open mouth.

Naminé pulled back somewhat and simply asked at any moment she felt her heart did she want to rip it out of Sora's chest and have it back inside her. And stressed the want part, relating it to instinct. Kairi honestly answer she felt nothing like that and that even if she had the power in herself to regain her heart, she would never have stolen it if it meant Sora becoming a Heartless. She just merely cried for her heart and hoped for it's warmth again. There was a want for it, but she did not recall a craving of any type and while the pain became noticeable to her in her coma state when her heart came near, it neither increased nor decreased.

Naminé finished that she did not line up with a Heartless and Kairi should not worry because Kairi could never be one. It was more then likely that a sign that Kairi was incomplete. Naminé paused and began in a tone that told Kairi she was theorizing. Heartless as their core are fuelled by the need for hearts and it was quite possible for them to occur naturally. But no matter what, having one core piece missing made Kairi incomplete. If anything, Kairi was closer to a Nobody in her state. But, Nobodies were different because they could only be truly created from a Heartless. They had a conscious and could miss a heart, but a Nobodies' yearnings were mental instead of physical. And, which Naminé pointed out sadly, if it was not Xemnas suggestion, Nobodies would not have used the Heartless to regain their hearts. Kairi's dilemma merely was what naturally happened to someone who heart was taken from them by a Heartless when their heart held no darkness. They could not become a Heartless, meaning their body and soul would not get lost in darkness or become a Nobody. Her body and mind simply stayed in a state of limbo.

Naminé's words were sounded and reassured her, but Kairi sometimes held doubts and wondered. Naminé always spoke up anytime Kairi caved into the illogical conclusion. Kairi remained thankful as she wished to not be scolded about the tragic musings. But mostly thankful and for most of the time, it was enough.

Kairi woke up some nights about it, thinking for just one moment she was back in the hell of her empty body. The darkness of her room reminded her of the empty place where her heart was suppose to be. Naminé would groggily wake up with her and would offer protection, reassurance, love.

Kairi would fight it at first. She did not want to admit this weakness. Kairi could easily admit her shortcomings in physically strength and defense, but this was not a physical matter. This was the matter that Kairi _was _strong. She was stronger then this. Her heart was the one that could never falter. Sora and Riku needed her heart to _be strong. T_o not have nightmares about being lost. She was the one they came to for comfort. She was the stable.

But it hurt and it was confusing and she did not want nightmares and if she still had to have them just make them nightmares that were not based around her memories. Why couldn't they be from made up or be so sporadic that she could not believe it during the light of day?

Eventually, she would break down and let her Nobody give her the comfort she needed, because Naminé would only be the ever person who would ever know. A part of her wished she had kept it from herself, but that was impossible. So Kairi would let herself this one weakness, by herself and only to herself.

But during the daytime, when it was Kairi (and Naminé) and Sora (and Roxas) and Riku, she would check and fuss over them because that was her place, banishing all thoughts of the night

Kairi knew that it really was not a bad thing to keep this one thing away from them. Everybody kept secrets. And she was 99.9 percent of the time honest. Near-perfect.

But not perfect. And it bothered her. But in this matter, the truth would be worst.

She will never tell them about the pain.

Never ever.

* * *

Originally, this was supposed to be short, but meaningful yet not necessarily something I would call…accomplished. It was solely going to focus on Kairi and centered around one little line in Coded and try to be canon as best as I could.

But then Naminé crept in here, and both girls decided there needed to be more. Honestly, it was for the better.

I am proud of this thing, I really am. Of course, I put some speculation on events that I thought I was going to, but I will officially dub this my first real write towards canon and intended to be in-game.


End file.
